Adopt A Terrorist

A Canadian human rights activist wrote many letters to various government agencies and officials including the Canadian Prime Minister in which she complained about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in various detention centers. She received the following letter in reply.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you very much for your recent letter expressing your profound concern over the treatment of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, and who were subsequently transferred to the custody of the government authorities in Afghanistan, and are currently being held by Afghani officials in the appropriate Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. The Canadian government takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.

Thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, you will be pleased to learn that we have created a new program directly administered by the Department of National Defence. The new program is called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to assign one terrorist in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been carefully selected and screened, and is scheduled to arrive under heavily armed guard in your residence in Toronto next Monday.

His name is Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Al-Mahmud (he prefers to be called Ahmed). He is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a confirmed sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps, you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to have him undergo psychological counselling and home schooling for which you are highly commended.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills in your yoga group.

He is also an expert in making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed most likely will not wish to interact with either you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as some sub-human form of personal property. This is a particularly sensitive subject to him, and he has been known to show violent outbursts around women who fail to comply with his demands, especially the dress code which he will definitely recommend as more appropriate attire for women. I'm sure that over time, you will eventually appreciate the anonymity offered by the burka. We are certain that you fully understand that this is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellowmen.

We anticipate that Ahmed will receive the best of care from you, and again, please remember that we shall be closely monitoring his progress while he is in your custody.

Good luck and God bless.
Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence