Dear U.S. Leftists, Liberals/Progressives, Marxists, Socialists, et al:

The latest national developments have made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we have stuck together and tolerated each other for years for the sake of future generations, but our relationship has clearly run its course.

Our ideas of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all. Therefore, let's just end it on friendly terms. We can chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, smile and each go our own separate way.

Here is what I suggest we do to have an amicable and fair divorce.

First, we equitably divide the land/the territory with each side taking a fair portion. This will be somewhat difficult, but surely, hopefully as mature and sensible adults, we can come to a friendly solution and settlement. After that is done, it should be relatively easy to divide the assets, especially since each side has very distinct and disparate tastes. We can apportion the "assets & valuables" as follows:

You can continue to keep the complicated, graduated, loophole-filled, redistributive tax system. We prefer the simple, across-the-board flat tax;

You are welcome to keep the ACLU and liberal judges. We shall take the cops, the military, and the NRA;

You can keep wind, solar and bio-diesel power. We shall take the [nasty, smelly] oil industry and coal mines;

You can keep (Hanoi) Jane Fonda, Bill Maher, Shirley McClain, Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner, and Oprah Winfrey; you can also have the addicts, druggies, hippies, homeboys, homeless, illegal aliens, and welfare recipients, who prefer to live on government dole-outs and freebies. We shall have Bill O'Reilly, the Bible-lovers, the capitalists, the [greedy] CEOs, pharmaceuticals companies & other corporations, as well as the hot Alaskan hockey moms, rednecks, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street;

You can keep CNN, MSNBC, Hollywood, all the anti-Americans/anti-West, Iran, ISIS, Palestine and all the jihadists as well as the peaceniks and war protesters. However, when our allies and/or our way of life are under assault and threatened, we shall provide the needed security and retain the right to hammer and stop the aggressors;

• You are welcome to have Humanism, Islam, political correctness, Scientology, and any other non-Christian and un-American ideology. We shall keep the original Judeo-Christian principles and values, the original foundation of America;
• You can keep the United Nations, but we shall no longer pay the bills;
• You can keep every Leaf, Volt, and all other "non-gasoline-hungry" vehicles. We'll take the SUVs, pickup trucks, and over-sized, gasoline-guzzling luxury cars;
• You can have your preferred health care system and provide FREE care to everyone including illegals; hopefully, you can find enough practitioners & providers. We shall provide health care coverage judiciously and sensibly as deemed necessary.
• You are welcome to substitute as your national anthem any of the following: "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", --or-- "We Are the World". We shall keep "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "The Battle Hymn of the Republic";
• You can have trickle-up economics. We shall continue to practice trickle-down economics;
• You are more than welcome to choose your own flag and name, and write your own version of history. We shall keep the original flag, original history, and original name of the United States of America, [which often offend you and which you do not like to give due honor and/or respect].

Finally, in the spirit of friendly parting, hopefully you also consider which one of us will need help 15 years down the road.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

-Contribution by Ralph