Oct 19, 2014


I want to thank you for all the educational e-mails you've sent to me. Now, I am totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery. For instance. . .

I no longer open a bathroom door with my hands, instead I use my elbow because I might catch a dreadful disease from people who do not wash their hands after using the toilet.

I don't let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water because of the possible bacteria on the lemon peel.

I don't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I don't know what happened on it since it was last washed.

I don't shake hands with anyone who has been driving because people's favorite past time, especially those who drive alone, is picking their nose and ears.

I don't eat snack foods anymore because of the gallons of trans-fats I have already consumed over the years.

I don't touch anyone's bag because it could have been placed on the floor of a public toilet.

I don't lick envelopes anymore because of possible rat pee and/or poo in the glue on envelopes. Also, I don't open cans unless I first thoroughly scrub and wash the can's top for the same reason.

I don't have a drink in a bar anymore because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I don't eat at KFC anymore because their chickens are reportedly horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I don't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like an unbathed wet dog for weeks.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer pump gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I fill up the car.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it can cause seven different types of cancer.

I don't heat a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it can blow up in my face and disfigure me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer my phone because someone might ask me to dial a number for which I get a big phone bill for calls to Jamaica, Nigeria, Uganda or Uzbekistan.

I don't use anyone's toilet but mine because a snake might be lurking under the seat and bite my butt causing instant death.

I don't ever pick up a dime someone dropped on the parking lot or street because it might have been probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I don't do any gardening because I might get bitten by a poisonous spider which might cause my hand to fall off.

I don't leave my toothbrush in the bathroom anymore because according to one of the articles you sent me, the spray from the toilet when flushed scatters as far as 6 feet, so my toothbrush is now inside the car trunk in the garage.

NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head @ 5 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and fleas from 150 camels will infest you and cause you to grow a hairy hump on your back.

This actually happened to my next-door neighbor’s friend's ex-mother-in-law's 2nd husband's cousin's best friend. 

And, by the way, a German scientist from Uruguay, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse. (Don't bother taking yours off now because it is too late!)


~Contributed by Ralph

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