What Tiger Woods probably really wanted to say and really meant during his televised "press conference" was:
Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.
So here goes.
I am an average-looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting "a piece" before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did o.k. at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there whom I dated were of a “B” grade because they were leftovers that the players on the football team didn’t want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.
Then, when I finally started to win few golf tournaments, women started to line up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of the opportunities. These were women who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They just wanted me so that they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while hoping that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn’t happen, they seized the opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking and playing the part of a woman scorned.
Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the “hard-to-get” strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: a pretty face, nice "body parts", and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people can only dream about.
Our marriage was o.k. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she’s become a bitch, and doesn’t want to have sex often anymore. Also, she didn’t want to accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women "nod approvingly" at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids?
And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be o.k. if we divorce and she is forced to "survive" on her own. Don’t forget the kind of money she will get if we divorce, and the vast support network she will have after appearing on "Oprah" and "The View".
As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions and might even lose custody of my children. Many---not all---but many who see me take great pleasure seeing me in pain.
The letters "Saint" or "St." do not precede my name. But to say [and give me the impression] that it's all right to screw everything in sight like what Bill Clinton did when he was President, but not if one is a pro-golfer [like me] really sucks!
Did I become famous for being a model married man, or was it because I'm one of the best damn golfers in the world?
While you sat in front of your TV sets anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, all I really wanted to tell you was “Fuck off!”
Author Unknown
Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.
So here goes.
I am an average-looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting "a piece" before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did o.k. at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there whom I dated were of a “B” grade because they were leftovers that the players on the football team didn’t want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.
Then, when I finally started to win few golf tournaments, women started to line up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of the opportunities. These were women who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They just wanted me so that they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while hoping that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn’t happen, they seized the opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking and playing the part of a woman scorned.
Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the “hard-to-get” strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: a pretty face, nice "body parts", and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people can only dream about.
Our marriage was o.k. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she’s become a bitch, and doesn’t want to have sex often anymore. Also, she didn’t want to accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women "nod approvingly" at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids?
And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be o.k. if we divorce and she is forced to "survive" on her own. Don’t forget the kind of money she will get if we divorce, and the vast support network she will have after appearing on "Oprah" and "The View".
As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions and might even lose custody of my children. Many---not all---but many who see me take great pleasure seeing me in pain.
The letters "Saint" or "St." do not precede my name. But to say [and give me the impression] that it's all right to screw everything in sight like what Bill Clinton did when he was President, but not if one is a pro-golfer [like me] really sucks!
Did I become famous for being a model married man, or was it because I'm one of the best damn golfers in the world?
While you sat in front of your TV sets anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, all I really wanted to tell you was “Fuck off!”
Author Unknown
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