Remembering Randy Pausch

1961 to 2008

Randy Pausch lost his battle with pancreatic cancer this past Friday. He leaves behind a postive legacy that inspired millions. His life and how he lived it should be an example to how each of us must live during our short time here on earth.

Randy's Blog

Randy's Last Lecture

"Achiveing Your Childhood Dreams"

How HIV Is Transmitted

Knowledge Is Power! I cannot stress enough the importance of being tested, specially if you are sexually active in any way, shape or form. HIV does not discriminate and it IS preventable! So here are some facts you should know about the disease for which there is no cure.

HIV can be transmitted from an infected person to another through:

* Blood (including menstrual blood)
* Semen
* Vaginal secretions
* Breast milk Blood contains the highest concentration of the virus, followed by semen,
followed by vaginal fluids, followed by breast milk.

Activities That Allow HIV Transmission

* Unprotected sexual contact
* Direct blood contact, particularly through sharing injection drug needles.
* Infections due to blood transfusions, accidents in health care settings or certain blood
products are possible, although they are extremely rare nowadays in the United States.
* Mother to baby (before or during birth, or through breast milk)

Sexual intercourse (vaginal and anal): In the genitals and the rectum, HIV may infect the mucous membranes directly or enter through cuts and sores caused during intercourse (many of which would be unnoticed). Anal and vaginal intercourse are high-risk practices.

Oral sex (mouth-penis, mouth-vagina): The mouth is an inhospitable environment for HIV (in semen, vaginal fluid or blood), meaning the risk of HIV transmission through the throat, gums, and oral membranes is lower than through vaginal or anal membranes. There are documented cases where HIV was transmitted orally, so we can't say that getting HIV-infected semen, vaginal fluid or blood in the mouth is without risk. However, oral sex is considered a low risk practice.

Sharing injection needles: An injection needle can pass blood directly from one person's bloodstream to another. It is a very efficient way to transmit a blood-borne virus. Sharing needles is considered a high-risk practice.

Mother to Child: Mother to child transmission is now rare in the US and other developed countries because pregnant women who are HIV-positive are normally given medications to prevent the fetus from getting infected. However, it is possible for an HIV-infected mother to pass the virus directly before or during birth, or through breast milk. Breast milk contains HIV, and while small amounts of breast milk do not pose significant threat of infection to adults, it is a viable means of transmission to infants.

The following "bodily fluids" are NOT infectious:

* Saliva
* Tears
* Sweat
* Feces
* Urine

For more information about HIV/AIDS click HERE!

Counter Point

In recent postings, on line sites have been portrayed as a detriment to individuals and their personal lives. On the other hand, I must add that there are many healthy and productive gay sites that gay and bi men and women can and do visit, and from which they network within and outside their community. Yes, without question, some sites are unhealthy, but in comparison there are more sites, than not, that are beneficial in many ways and through which one can find useful and important information or friendships and acquaintances that are above the standard that has been recently portrayed. Useful and meaningful sites do exist. Just finding them can sometimes be frustrating.

Response To Marty

Dear Marty,

Like you, I meet my first love in an on line hook up site. After four years with my “friend/partner” I discovered that he had been cheating with several other guys on line. Nonetheless, after finding out about my partner’s extra curricular activities, I did everything possible to salvage the relationship because I truly loved the guy, but to no avail. To add insult to injury, he moved in with one of the guys he was cheating with. Ironically, three months later they went their separate ways. After his breakup with the “other” guy he tried his best to rekindle our relationship, but that was no longer an option for me. My philosophy is; Once a cheater, always a cheater … the same goes for lying.

Shortly after our breakup I decided to get an HIV test. What prompted me to do so is unclear. Nevertheless, something kept prodding me to have the test done. I will have to say that the long two week wait was an unsettling one. Before now, I never worried about being tested because I trusted the monogamous relationship I was in. When we first started dating we discussed the monogamy issue extensively and we both agreed that we would be forever sexually exclusive with one another. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and my test results came back positive. Needless to say, I was devastated! My “friend/partner” infected me. In an instant, my life was totally changed because he couldn’t keep his pants up.

By no means is yours or my situation unique. There are countless of other couples are in the same situation as you and I. Today, the internet has made sex so easily available and extremely easy for anyone to cheat. With a click of the mouse you can be in bed with anyone in a matter of minutes. What’s even more dumbfounding is that cheater’s never think that they will get caught. But they always do! When you live a lie it eventually catches up with you and in my case the lie was not pretty by any means of the word. As to how I found out about my partner’s sexual activities, it was being openly discussed on line and a loyal friend of mine just happen to be in the chat room that evening who in turn emailed me the entire discussion.

I am here to tell you that most on line guys who frequent hook up sites only care about themselves. They are emotionally empty character’s who will use you for their own personal satisfaction. Outside of that, you are nothing to them! Therefore, Marty, my personal advice to you is this … Never, never settle down with someone from an on line hook up site. These hook up sites provides nothing more than a quick fix for sexual addicts who are looking for nothing more then their next sexual high. Sadly, many who frequent these sites end up lonely and empty. At the end of the day, most end up with no one who truly cares about them. These sites are nothing more than a lonely hearts club for sexual addicts and predators.

Is there a silver lining in all of this I am sharing with you? Yes! I want you to know that there are men out there who are looking for a sincere friend and soul mate. These men are not looking for their next dick or ass fix, but are looking for one individual with whom they can find complete fulfillment in all aspects of their lives. Trust me, these types of men are not found in hook up sites cause most have experienced, in one way or another, the very same things you and I have. Therefore, if nothing else, give up the hook up sites … set your standards high and don’t waver from them because you are worth more than to be someone’s toss in the hey and a notch on his bedpost. Do not settle for meritocracy … settle for integrity. In doing so, you will find that your life will be so much happier and less complicated.

In conclusion, today I am HIV positive … I am at peace with this! Though I still live with the scares of my past, the last two years and the man I feel in love with has brought healing and forgiveness into my life. He and I are committed to each other. Our commitment is backed up with actions that speak louder than words. I am the moon to his sunshine … I have been cleansed with love! So, Marty, whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself or in finding that one special someone with whom you can have a bountiful and lasting relationship.

James

Shared with permission from the writer who is responding to July 17/08 "Question & Answer" posting.

Redneck Tube Top

Look at the picture closely … This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama, Wal*Mart while she was going to the Flea market.

Now I ask you ... Who sits and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hmmmm … I can make a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand ... $6 for a three pack is a good price!!

Poll Response

Dear Philip,

It would be simpler for me to click my response to your current poll in which you are questioning the honesty of your friend. Since you are a dear friend of mine, I chose to share my personal thoughts with you because I am aware of the situation.

Allow me to begin by saying; once a lier, always a lier! With this said, it is my opinion that you dump the S.O.B. and move on. The individual you are referring to is not your "friend" if they cannot be honest! All they are doing is emotionally using you for their own personal whatever satisfaction and/or reasons. Once you serve their twisted purpose you are the one that will be left to pick up the pieces while they move on to the next deception.

Philip, you are a wonderful individual! You have been through enough! You don’t need someone in your life who cannot be honest with themselves, let alone with you, because it will only bring you further heartbreak. You have worked to hard to be in a shallow dead end friendship. If you allow yourself the opportunity, I know that you will find complete happiness with someone who will respect your friendship unconditionally, and because of that respect the honesty will be there regardless. Otherwise, cut your losses and put this individual behind you. Like the heading on your blog, “Always sailing with the wind at my back,” leave the hurricane behind for they will destroy you and all that you have worked so hard to achieve.

You Friend,
Julie

Shared with permission from the writer who is responding to July 5/08 "Question" posting.
(Also See July 5 "Question" and August 10 "Poll Response")

Feng Shui

ONE … Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO ... Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE ... Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR ... When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE … When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX … Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN ... Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT … Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE ... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt b ut it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN … In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN … Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE … Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN … When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN … Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN … Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN … When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN … Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN … Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN … When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY … Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE … Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Now share this message with your friends.

-Author Unknown-

Question & Answer

Question:

“… I meet my first love on line. Two months into our relationship I found out that he was cheating on me with others on line. Now I’m crushed and life hasn’t been the same since. I’m still with the guy, but I no longer trust him as my friend, let alone my lover. I feel so betrayed. Where did I do wrong? …. - Marty

Response:

Finding out that your partner is a cheater is a serious matter and you have every right to feel betrayed, specially if the understanding between the two of you was that of a monogamous relationship. Then there’s the health issue … if he’s sleeping around then you are sleeping with all of his conquests as well. So, yeah!, you have every right to be upset as well as concerned.

There are two types of relationships. Open and Closed. An OPEN relationship is where each of you or both of you can sexually sleep around with anyone. A CLOSED relationship is where both of you are sexually exclusive with one another. Unfortunately, in today’s world the line between the two can be really blurred. Therefore, it’s imperative that couples heading into a long-term relationship discuss these issues openly and honestly, otherwise this single issue can determine weather or not your relationship can withstand the test of time.

As for where you went wrong? Personally, you didn’t do anything wrong! However, for a minute think about this … You meet your partner on a gay sex pickup site! That in itself should tell you volumes. It has been my experience that men who frequent these sites think from between their legs and not from between their ears.

It is my opinion that 90% of men on these sites aren’t worth the time … specially if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. If you’re looking for a sexual quick fix, well, these sites will fulfill that for you. But to think that you’ll find a faithful partner … likely NOT! As for the rest, well, 8% of those online you should take with a grain of salt. Typically these types of individuals are looking for “friendships” (I do use the word loosely) with benefits … pretty much the same as an open relationship but generally more cynical. Now it’s the 1% that you really have to look out for … statically these individuals carry the HIV virus and/or are infected with STD’s. Sadly, these individuals care little about themselves, let alone anyone else … they are solely out to destroy as many lives as possible.

So, is there anyone you can meet on line that you can engage in a healthy productive relationship? Yes! The remaining 1%. Though rare, it is possible to find that one individual on line who respects himself, will respect you as a person, respect the relationship, and be able to commit to a healthy monogamous long-term commitment. You may have to search for this God send, but they do exist. However, you are more than likely not going to find this individual on line. Individuals looking for a productive long lasting relationships typically don’t frequent these sites ... they have better things to do with their life than deal with on liners. So, where do you find this one in a million? In every day life … at work, the grocery store, at the beach, etc. I found my twenty-seven year relationship at his garage sale … from that point forward we were inseparable. I was lucky!

My rule of thumb is this; if you can’t take it home to mother then you needn’t take it home period. And when you do meet someone don’t be afraid to ask for their pet agree … proof of HIV status and STD history, and get tested yourself … Knowledge is Power! As for your partner, only you can decide what is best for the long haul.

You have two choices. First and foremost, if you really love the guy see if you can work it out. Maybe there’s something between the two of you that isn’t being fulfilled. Whatever that may be, the best advice I can give is that you need to communicate … talk it out! Who knows, maybe the both of you will find that common ground on which you can agree? In other words, if you want to leave you need to earn your way out of the relationship! If you both can’t come to terms with the issue and you find that what he wants isn’t what you want, then you will have earned your way out of the situation and you’ll be free to leave with a clean and clear conscious. Yeah, right now it hurts, but try and pull yourself together and give it your best shot … at least he can’t say that you didn’t give it a chance.

If I can be of any further help let me know and I wish you luck.

Proof The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex or gans of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation!
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first timeReason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

-Author Unknown-

Shocking Contrast

As you read the newspapers or watched the TV news about the recent floods in the Midwestern USA, have you noticed that there are NO looters running around with stolen plasma TVs or stolen liquor over people's heads?

And there's NO ONE yelling 'Where's Bush?' 'Where's FEMA? Where's my relief check?' --or-- 'Why isn't the government out here saving me and my farm?'

Likewise, have you also noticed there are NO reports of any other country coming to help or sending aid?

AND quite glaringly, where are Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton? Are they blind to THIS disaster, or are they afraid of people who take care of themselves? (No self-serving publicity value there?)

Shocking contrast to New Orleans after Katrina, isn't it?

-Source Unknown-

Question

We all desperately want to believe our friends, lovers and partner’s are honest. But what if there’s a nagging realization in your heart that tells you otherwise? As the old saying goes, "Action's Speak Louder Than Words." So, would you confront the person, draw your own conclusion, or leave it be and allow time to reveal the answer to you? To add to this mix, what if you’ve already confronted the person with your question, who in turn became upset with you for asking it, yet answered it in a way as to distract you away from the original question thus leaving you hanging and afraid, not of the answer itself, but afraid that it may put a wedge in the relationship.

Please do one of two things or both. You can comment on the question by clicking on the comment link or go to the left side of my blog and reveal your answer in the "What To Do" poll box. Doing so will help me to decide what action I should take in resolving my unanswered question.

Thanks for your help.

(Also See July 19 "Poll Response" and August 10 "Poll Response")

Political Correctness

In today’s America citizens are increasingly being shushed. Public figures have to be extremely careful with how and what they say in public, as well as privately. The everyday Joe Blow in daily life can’t look, say, or utter a sentence without fear of retaliation or scrutiny. If one group disagrees with public policy they are immediately look down upon as unpatriotic. If secularism points out the fallacy of the religionist then they are considered anti-Christ. I ask, what the hell happened to the idea that it’s okay to disagree? If we all thought and acted alike then democracy would be so totally boring if not nonexistent … probably the latter!

The resent issue with Don Imus’ utterance of “well there you go” referring to a black athlete who was arrested, Obama and Dobson’s exchange on their difference of interpretation of religious convictions is a perfect example of how political correctness has become a train wreck. This, in my humble opinion, is so totally crazy and it makes me wonder if as a country freedom of thought, as well as speech can survive. This climate of thought and speech intolerance is tearing our society a part and eventually it will erode our way of life which we as American’s should cherish with our lives.

It’s time for all of us to take a step back and take a DEEP breath! It’s really okay to disagree for in disagreeing we build a stronger democracy. The American society will never totally agree with one another, but tolerance should always prevail. If we disagree with a particular way, policy or law then we have the right to change it.

What scares me the most is why American’s don’t stand up to religionists who spew their hatred and intolerance. More hatred and intolerance is preached from American pulpits than in the public sector and yet no one stands up to those religionist’s who are more intolerant than God. Meanwhile, if Imus and Obama exercise their freedom of speech and thought they are labeled either a racist or an infidel. What’s wrong with this picture? Are religionist’s exempt from the same scrutiny? If we’re going to condemn one then we should condemn the other.

As we celebrate our 232nd., birthday lets keep in mind that its our way of life and our freedoms we celebrate. July fourth is an American holiday … no other country celebrates their way of life like we do. And while we celebrate lets keep in mind that if we don’t protect our way of life we will loose it … the door is now ajar. Intolerance is slowly becoming a way of life and before it gets out of control it’s time to push the door shut if we as American’s are going to remain free.

The Lie Dector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. He'd buy anything 'new' or just unusual. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another of his purchases. . . a robot which John claimed was a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table, and slapped Tommy knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

" 'The Ten Commandments'." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called 'The Sex Queen'."

"I'm ashamed of you, Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And don't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot slapped her three times.

-Author Unknown-

LOVE?

For the last eight months I’ve been trying to figure out what it means to be in love again. First and foremost, I’ve forgotten that it ain’t easy. Secondly, it seems that love has become like a four letter word and replaced with the phrase “Friends with Benefits.” Guess it’s a 21st century thing!

Anyway, I have almost concluded that emotions can never be a part of being in love. It seems that in today’s world, emotions is more like a doormat. It’s no longer a relevant aspect of an ongoing meaningful relationship. While they screw your brains out the underlining expectation is that you can’t include elements like commitment, obligation, responsibility and respect.

Honestly, no matter how I may try and dismiss my emotions, I can’t! Call me old fashioned. Whether I’m in a relationship that includes an acquaintance, friend, lover or a life-long partner, there is a certain amount of emotions that comes with the territory. Like it or not, being in ones life entails emotions for if it didn’t then what worth is there in being in anyone’s life? I might as well live as a hermit and keep everyone at a distance, and most definitely leave love as a doormat at all cost for fear of being alone.

Like the lyrics in “Have You Ever Loved Someone” by Rascal Flatts (take a listen of it … see “I’m Feeling It”), I’ve certainly entertained the thought that “if love is really forever, I’m a winner at a loosing game.” So what am I to do? Do I go with the flow and void my life of eliments that doesn’t include commitment, obligation, responsibility and respect if I’m going to be with someone? No, not at all!

I’ve always been taught that being in someone’s life is a privilege and the privileges are never to be taken advantage of with unrealistic expectations. As for being in love, I’ve concluded that as long as I maintain my standard of commitment, obligation, responsibility and respect within the relationship is all that matters and here’s how I’m doing it:

1. Commitment … being sexual monogamous. I ain’t bedding down with every Tom, Dick and Harry that my partner may be hopping in the sack with ... I expect the same in return. Playing Russian Roulette with one’s health ain’t an option!

2. Obligation ... being honest at all cost. Deception in any form is destructive to a meaningful relationship. It is not unfair to expect open and honest communication from anyone in my life. Communication is key to surviving any relationship. Without it the relationship will eventually die.

3. Responsibility … caring for the other person. Everyone comes and goes in my life for a reason. While that individual is in my life I am responsible to and for them for they are a gift from God.

4. Respect … this is paramount in any relationship. First, I’ve got to respect myself before I can respect someone else. Also, respect is earned, not demanded. I must always respect each person’s place in life whether I agree or disagree with them. By respecting each other builds trust and in the long run mutual respect for the relationship.

My conclusion … “what’s love got to do with it?" Not a damn thing! Love is like a blanket, but if it doesn't include all of the four ingredients above then I believe that love will never be.

Scene in California's City Hall Marriage License Dept.

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law.. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license."

"Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right."

"Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other person?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! ....You people are making a mockery of marriage!"

-Author Unknown-