Waking up to the reality that my partner had deceased was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. After twenty-seven years of loyal companionship and partnership, facing the future alone was emotionally draining … actually freighting. Now three years down the road and reflecting back, my journey has been challenging as well as eye opening.
The first year was the rawest of my journey. Going from years of contentment, to care giver, to oops now what?, I quickly realized that my survival skills wasn’t as sound proof as I had thought. After all was said and done, reality quickly settled in and no matter how prepared I thought I was, I wasn’t. But by the grace of God, and the with the help of friends and family I survived and came through the most darkest time of my life.
The second year was finding my place at the table of life … re-entering the work force. After five years of taking care of John my employable skills were rusty and out dated. I had no clue as to what I could do to survive. But as any journey would have it, you begin by taking one step forward. I didn’t care what kind of work I had to engage myself in, I just needed a job. Well, my first job, installing a/c filters, I hated! Boy, did I hate it! Nonetheless, it was work and putting food on the table. Yes, I eventually quit this job!
During my down time I reflected on my past employable skills to see what professional field I had enjoyed the most and come to realize that I’ve always done well, as well as enjoyed the customer service/hospitality field. Well, I chose customer service and landed a job working for a local convenient store. Now talk about an eye opener! Believe it or not, I truly liked my job. I’ve meet some really good people and made some friends. But the downside was horrifying! People can be really cruel! I had alcohol, hot drinks, sodas, and food thrown at me cause I wouldn’t sell alcohol to individuals. I had my car vandalized. A gun pulled in my face. Theft was a big problem. Drug dealers and prostitutes doing business in the bathrooms … YUK! I tell you, as much as I liked my job, seven months down the road I found myself becoming really cynical towards people and I hated were my emotions were heading. Had it not been for my friend Tammy who nagged and prodded me to get out of the convenient store business, I would not be where I am today.
Today I am working in the hotel/restaurant industry. Last August, I took a job as a restaurant/banquet server at one of the local resorts and now I am gainfully employed with Tommy Bahamas. I’ve found my niche! Going to work, interacting with “normal” people, having fun, and making money is where it’s at for me. I AM GOOD AT WHAT I DO! Sure it has its downside, but overall working as a waiter has been rewarding, as well as satisfying. Right now I am learning about wins, I get to feast on great foods, I’ve meet some of the coolest people ever, and going home feeling righteously exhausted is a satisfying feeling to end a day. I wish, however, that I could say the same for my personal life … now this is where my eye have been really opened.
Aside from learning new employable skills I’ve had to learn new dating skills. I’m telling you, my eyes were opened to a whole new world unlike the one from which I came twenty-seven years ago … it was a rude awaking! Romance! Yeah, right! Candle light dinners and a romantic evening at home, not! In my opinion, dating today is like playing hopscotch of which I take no part of. Most have a revolving door policy … in this day and age of STD’s and AIDS, not a good policy! Many are simply down right rude and cruel … the “it’s all about me” mentality leaves little room for wanting to get to know someone on a personal level. Hate to say it, but some are simply not worth the air they breath.
As for my dating experience or inexperience, well, one individual turned out to being a stocker … have to say a clever one at that. Two other individuals were abusive, verbally as well as physically. I tell you, now days you cannot wear your heart on your sleeve for one minute, otherwise you’ll surely end up emotionally drained, broken and tossed aside like a piece of trash. Many a times I have thought it better to join a monastery. Nonetheless, amidst all the human rubbish it is possible to find a gem. And as much as some of my friends may disagree, I believe that I’ve found a gem in the rough. If it wasn’t for his friendship and guidance which keeps me grounded I would become bitter and hateful. Can’t say that I haven’t come close, cause there have been times where if murder was legal, I’d be headline news.
In life, there is always going to be the good and bad. Good friends who have stood by me through these years are priceless and my heartfelt thanks goes out to Mary, Tammy, Rob, Angie, Bob, Robyn and Lou, Michael, David, and Sean. If it wasn’t for you and the encouragement you’ve given me I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. You-all kept me going when I wanted to stop, kept me focused when I lost my way, and when I was down you put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. So from the bottom of all that I am, THANK YOU! God loves you and so do I! As for the bad, well, life ain’t always beautiful … a little rain has to fall sometimes, otherwise we wouldn’t know how good life can really be.
Yes, to this day I miss John a great deal … I always will! But now I am at peace. Comparatively, John is in a much better place and I look forward to that day when I get to see him again in that place where there is no sunset and no dawning. As for where I’m headed? Who knows! I am taking life one day, one step at a time, and with the wind at my back I am sailing forward while taking my place at the table of life.